This is a teleseminar I am conducting in early November, 2008.
I have been asked this question so often by women: How do I learn to say "no"? I remember a woman being very critical of me on an evaluation form after an assertiveness workshop because I hadn't taught her how to say "no".
When we focus on that ability (or inability) it doesn't do us justice, as women. It raises the question that if we can't even say "no", how could we make the hard decisions that women need to make to lead and manage an organisation.
Saying "no" for women is associated with not being collaborative, not wanting to help and support, not being there for them, not considering what others want as important. There is also a fear that it may be seen as being abrupt, aggressive, offensive, selfish, self-centred, too forthright and maybe even rejecting. In other words, saying "no" is not being "nice". It goes against the grain of everything we have been "brought up" to believe is the way women should be.
If women can't and don't say "no" to some things, however, they also become everything they don't want to be. They become overwhelmed with all the responsibilities they have accepted. They can become quite stressed. They often feel they are being used and taken for granted.
I remember saying to one business woman who was trying to be everything for and with her staff that it sounded like she was being treated like a doormat. "No", she said, "not a doormat. I'm wall to wall carpet".
Women who can't/don't say "no" can become irritable, intolerant, abrupt and demonstrate little patience. They are pouring out so much of themselves for others that they are running on empty themselves. They end up with little to give of their unique and talented self.
If we, as women, can come to understand that we need to say "no" to some things, so that we have time and energy for the most important things in our lives, then we can feel quite empowered saying "no".
That's the greatest frustration of women who know they need to say "no" to many things in their lives but they can't or don't. After a while they feel that most of what they are doing is not what they want to be doing, is not what's really important to them.
Sound familiar?
Saying "no" is not just about being assertive, it is about discovering what is most important in your life, what you value, what you want to give your time and energy to.
Then you say "yes" to what is truly important to you, what you are passionate about and committed to, what will make you feel empowered - either as a mother, wife, leader, manager, business woman or CEO.
For more information about this teleseminar go to my website
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8 October 2008 - 5:53pm I was wondering, Maree, whether you are going to address the issue of saying "no" to our staff. This is really a challenge for me. I have spent a lot of time building a great staff who work together well and I don't want to destroy that. However I now find that I am hesitating to say "no" to things they want, or want to do, because of that, when I need to be saying "no". I actually feel I have created a monster for myself.
9 October 2008 - 10:09am
Yes, Robyn, I could make a specific comment on that. The whole point of the seminar is about being able to say "no" because you have a bigger "yes" you want to make happen. In a work situation as a manager, you would be saying "no" because there are other priorities for the busines, that are of higher importance at that time. That would be the context in which you said "no", that you need to focus on these other issues at this time.
Your concern highlights another part of the teleseminar - that we need to be very clear about what our priorities are at any given time AND we need to communicate those to our staff and have them on board.
26 October 2008 - 12:30pm Robyn, I just made contact with you on WomenCo. I like the blog, and especially the way you've coined the phrase "being able to say "no" because you have a bigger "yes"......that's a great way to deal with the guilt of taking on too much.... Sherrie Dunn/Watchnstarz44 WomenCo member
30 October 2008 - 9:43pm
It's Maree, Sherrie. The point you make is exactly what I was trying to do with this teleseminar. Not being able to say no is often seen as a deficit by women themselves. They feel they have to "correct" this! What I'm trying to do here is put the saying of no into a very constructive and positive space. We have to say no because if we don't we won't have time for the very important things in our lives.
7 January 2009 - 4:21am i totally believe women what to say yes whenever they can. However, when they feel they should say no they will say things like "um let me see" or "is there somebody else that can do this". Women by nature want to help. But in a business world there is nothing wrong with saying no.
30 January 2009 - 3:29pm Andrew, you are so right. We, as women, need to become more decisive, but first we need to understand why we find it so hard to do that. We all have had the experience of saying yes to everyone and then being so burnt out and tired that we have little to give, yet we keep on doing it. I think it is about developing good people skills and self awareness to be able to do it in a way that feels authentic.
8 April 2009 - 1:15am Women have to take more reponsabilty, thay can improve their skill and their knowledge ! They've got to say YES like "YesMan" ;-)
17 April 2009 - 4:01pm This is a very interesting post. As a former sales trainer, I would always tell me reps to embrace the word "no." Ironically, most of my reps were women. Nonetheless, I think the word no is important to embrace from because of two reasons. First, a person should no how to accept the word no, and potentially turn those no's into yeses. Second, a person must LEARN to say no and to be steadfast in saying it.
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